Family Laughter and the Humor Tool

1. Laughing with your kids is essential. Use the everyday experiences to increase the laughter in your family. A sense of humor is key to survival. If nothing else comes to mind—just laugh.
I look at my fifteen-year-old son, John, as he kindly carries bags and bags of groceries and packages out of our car, and I say, “I love you more than a bunch of bananas!” We laugh. He’s still feeling the heavy load, so I add, “I love you more than two dozen oranges.” Laughter is a powerful emotion adjuster. It lightens, soothes, even dissolves difficult feelings. It feels so good once you start that it’s hard to stop. What’s really fun is to keep it going for extended periods of time. These “laugh-ins” can be just as emotionally powerful as hugs. Do them now, because when your children get into their teen years, they will think you’re crazy if you haven’t conditioned them to it.

2. A report came out that said: “Children, on average, laugh about 400 times a day. Adults only about 15 times. Scientists who study humor want to know why 385 laughs disappear.” To young children, most everything is humorous. They don’t discriminate. Our eight-year-old laughs at so much that it’s easier to note the things he doesn’t laugh at!

3. These same laugh researchers also noted the medical benefits of laughter. Giggles relieve stress, control pain, lower blood pressure, provide an aerobic workout for the diaphragm, improve the body’s ability to utilize oxygen, and maximize the flow of disease-fighting proteins and cells to the blood. For health reasons, it sounds like adults need giggles more than children. Laughter strengthens the insides, physically, and emotionally. Telling jokes and doing funny things should be encouraged by everyone. The insides need these emotional releases, and it appears that daily doses of giggles are best learned from children.

4. There are funny stories in all families. There is humor even in those child behaviors that drive you crazy! Let me share a one from our homefront. Our oldest son John walks through the house and jumps up to touch the top of every door opening. This behavior coincided with his interest in basketball. If you’ve seen the movie Jurassic Park, you will recall the scene where the enormous T-Rex dinosaur is not seen yet but can be heard—THUMP, THUMP, THUMP—and felt. The earth shakes. John is T-Rex easily a dozen times a day. If I can recall the picture in my mind of the movie scene and use humor, I’m better off than if I ask him to stop jumping, which I admit I say occasionally at the end of the day.

Bottom line: A sense of humor is essential—use it!

Low-Cost Ways to Celebrate the Holidays with Family

1. The family that plays together, stays together. For many time-crunched families, that variation on a familiar saying rings true. In fact, these days, as the hustle and bustle of holidays continues, carve out time to spend together doing activities that everyone enjoys.
2. Make spending time with each other a priority and strengthening family bonds a concentrated focus. If family togetherness is nurtured, there is a deep, fulfilling sense of belonging. The trick is to let differences within the family flourish. There must also be room for each child's unique and personal ideas and contributions.
3. Holding fun family nights could be just what you need to sit back, relax and enjoy each other’s company. Consider scheduling one night in which your family members play classic board games, such as Jenga, Monopoly or Scrabble. On other nights, introduce some of the newest games available. Or better yet, create your own family trivia game, which provides a great opportunity to get to know more about family members, including your ancestors.
4. Try this blank canvas project or family art night. Simply purchase a large blank canvas at a local art supply store and have each member of the family illustrate or paint on a portion of the canvas. Hang the work of art in a visible location, such as near the kitchen table. Do this every year. Be sure to date it.
5. Try some silly and fun stress-beating tips: Be mischievous. Whether in the country or at the city zoo, moo at the cows and try to get them to "talk" back. Some times cows stare for a very long time, especially if I moo again. Sometimes I get a moo back. This only encourages me further.
7. Hook up with nature -- creatively! Our family has an annual igloo or snowmaking contest. We've discovered that igloos make great and fun places to spend time in and "soak" up the outdoors. Sort of like tree forts in the summer months. Every entrant must receive a prize.
8. Finally, try these winter stress-beaters: Play a wild game of cards with poker chips (or pennies). Everyone has to wear gambling visors. Go to an indoor concert and take a picnic basket along. Don't forget your special blanket. Dance with each other. Sing loudly together. Watch the sun set together. Watch the night sky. The stars and planets are spectacular during the winter months.

Talking to Kids About the Economy

It is best to try to explain tough economics to kids. Regardless of their age, never frighten them. Try instead to allay their fears. Reduce the family stress by sharing the situation in as much detail that is age appropriate. For example, if a parent has lost his or her job, be honest and straightforward, but never convey panic, which weighs on children tremendously. Younger children need reassurance. Assure them it will get better. For example, if they want to buy a small pet, the time will come when this purchase is possible, but at this point, it is best to wait. It is certainly appropriate for all age groups to say that we're going to have a lean birthday or holiday season this year. Encourage creative gift giving that is from the heart rather than the wallet.
As to teens, share the details of your monthly take home pay, and how you/we are going to make changes in our family purchases. High schoolers can process this information and it will be good for them in the long run as they reach adulthood themselves. And with teens, even tweens, it is opportune to admit a mistake that you made (e.g. too much credit spending in the past, not enough savings, etc.) If debt is too high (i.e. over credit limits), get your teens help in cutting back on spending and expenses. Let them know just why you say "NO!" to any requests on their part for purchases. If teens have this detail, they will more likely understand, and begin to learn cash management strategies for their futures.

Teaching Teens Safe Driving Habits

Useful strategies for instilling safe driving habits in teens:

(1) The best way to teach teens how to drive is to show them how to really SEE the road. Driving is a visual skill. Since we drive every day, we aren't aware of our own visual skills and discipline. For example, as I drive down the familiar residential street where we live, I constantly look ahead to check traffic, take note of any cars pulling away from their side parking spots, watch for any pedestrians who might cut across my path from both sidewalks, and then check for pedestrians who could be on the crosswalk at the approaching stop sign. I frequently check my rear view mirror for activity behind me. And I always look for fast-moving rollerbladers, bicyclists, and pets that might suddenly cross my path. In sharp contrast, a teenager drives down a street, focused on holding the steering wheel straight, accelerating and braking smoothly, and appearing cool! Compared to an experienced driver, their visual discipline and skill are extremely underdeveloped.

(2) The task at hand then is to focus on the eyes in teaching your teen to drive. Say right out loud what you see as you drive and what you do to drive safely. At first, this narrative may feel strange, because you are talking about what you do automatically every time you sit behind the wheel. You may be surprised at how much seeing and doing actually occurs when you drive. For example, to turn left at a stop sign, say aloud: "Signal a left turn about one hundred feet before the intersection; start slowing down; stop completely in back of the limit line; look both directions for traffic; check for pedestrians who have the right of way; look ahead at the vehicle travel path; and, before entering the intersection, look again in both directions for moving vehicles; now slowly enter and turn onto the street."

(3) As you take time to describe each visual check, ask your teen to note the important role this plays in safe driving. The driver's eyes are active. This is a valuable lesson. Active eyes, coupled with lots of documenting and describing the driver's movements, lead to good teaching and good driving!

(4) Next, ask your teen to talk out loud as you drive, narrating what a good driver should be seeing and doing to drive safely. Listen as your teen describes your driving. Check for any omitted steps. Give feedback—especially positive, encouraging comments. When a teen can describe your good driving habits as you drive, you'll know that he is ready to get behind the wheel.

(5) Now have him narrate as he drives. Again, listen and check to see if he has missed anything. Give feedback on both seeing and driving. If you approach it this way, he's going to know how to drive, all the way through his body. (Personal note: I mentioned this to my fifteen-year-old son James: "Driving has to be in your body." He looked at me with puzzlement and said, "I don't get it. What do you mean?" I replied, "It's sort of like your Swing dancing. You have to know the steps so well that when you hear the music, the steps are second nature, and you don't even have to think about them.") Driving is the same way. The steps should become second nature so that you don't even have to think about them anymore.

End Result: As parents, our goal is to help young drivers achieve this body "knowingness" when it comes to driving—-to help counterbalance the wild, impulsive style typical of most teens. When the body knows deeply how to drive, a teen can drive safely—-and it can save lives.

So here's the key: Prepare your teen to drive so his "knowing" behind the wheel is deep in his body. The roads will be a lot safer, and you will rest with greater ease as well.

Teenagers and Sleep

Parent Question: What are the sleep needs of high school age teens? How much is enough?

Teens need from 8 1/2 and 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night. Most adolescents DO NOT get enough sleep – one report found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.

What are the side effects of lack of sleep?

Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week – they typically stay up late and sleep in late on weekends. This irregularity affects their biological clocks and hurts the quality of their sleep. Some side effects include: Limits ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems; Contributes to acne and other skin problems; Leads to inappropriate or aggressive behavior (e.g. yelling, impatience with family members and teachers); Eat unhealthy foods (e.g. sweets, fried foods) that lead to weight gain; Performs poorly in sports (e.g. reduced endurance and cardiovascular performance, delayed visual and auditory reaction time).

How do school schedules conspire against them getting enough sleep?

Schools ask teens to sleep at the wrong times. A teen’s biological clock is in conflict with the school bell. Too many teens come to high school too sleepy to learn. A few schools have become “sleep-smart” by setting later bell times. They’ve found that students do not go to bed later, but get one hour more of sleep per school night, which means five hours more per week. Parents and teachers contend that starting school later improves student morale and attitudes. Students report that they feel ready to learn when they get to school in the morning.

What are some pointers for parents?

1. Be a good role model. Practice good sleep hygiene yourself.
2. Enforce regular sleep schedules for all children and teens. Establish a quiet relaxing time in the evening before bedtime when music and television are not permitted.
3. Talk with your kids about their sleep/wake schedules. Assess time in extracurricular activities and outsides jobs, and make adjustments, if appropriate.
4. Consider having each teen keep a sleep diary for 1 or 2 weeks. Review it for poor sleep hygiene, and make an effort to change patterns, if necessary.
5. During vacations, help your teen adjust for a smooth transition to the upcoming school schedule. Go to sleep and awaken 15 minutes earlier each day until teen reaches desired sleep and wake times.
6. Always be on the look out for signs of sleep deprivation—difficulty waking in the morning, falling asleep during quiet times in the day, irritability in late day, and sleeping super-long on weekends.
7. Avoid use of caffeine and other substances that can affect sleep.

The Argumentative Teen

Parent Question: Why are teens so argumentative?

(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.

(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.

(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.

How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.

2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")

3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.

Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.

Teens and Making Mistakes

Parent Question: My teen says he doesn't need my help with school stuff or day-to-day decisions, but I see him making mistakes. How can I stay involved without being too intrusive?

Winston Churchill once said, "I've eaten many of my words, and I've found them nourishing." Do you support your teen's effort to find out who she is, try things on her own, and make her own "nourishing" mistakes? Often, a parent's role is to simply watch the development. Freedom is the starting point. If a parent gives a teen the freedom to make decisions and experience her stumbles, she will learn. When my oldest son was a junior, he switched high schools by his own choice. As difficult as it was to watch his painful process, I learned this key parent lesson: "I don't care what you decide -- I just want you to do what you want." While it may sound obvious and easy to do, is isn't. The teen years are about your teen making choices, learning from mistakes, and being "nourished" through hard-won lessons along the way.