How do you fix a troubled relationship or marriage?
*Please note that this is in response to an excellent February 9th piece posted on Today’s Parent by Kate Rae
Keeping a strong marriage requires taking care of ourselves as people. I’ve discovered several ways to do this. The following rituals have helped my husband and I keep a fresh perspective and renew ourselves during our parenting years. We have been married for 38 years and have 3 adult sons.
1. The first was our “date night.” Once a week, always the same night of the week, we had a babysitter come. We were lucky to have the same person, Lisa, come every Thursday night for fifteen years. We saw her grow up, too, over the years, and this has truly been our good fortune. Our sons now refer to her as a “big sister.” The fact that her commitment level has matched our own commitment to spend time together as a couple is not a coincidence.
There are a few boundaries for “date night.” It is not a time to discuss problems, financial shortfalls, or heavy-duty difficult situations, nor is it a time to compare calendars, discuss tasks, or even entertain others. “Date night” is quite simply a time set aside to have fun together. No one else is invited. It’s our time to renew and care for the relationship itself. Play is a key part of this renewal. We like to take long walks together, eat dinner out, talk openly, see movies, go to rock concerts, take picnics in the park, or visit the animals in the zoo.
2. Another way to carve out renewal time is to make dates with yourself. Whether you are parenting alone or have a partner, time for self-renewal and nourishment is critical. Without renewal, an imbalance can occur. Your perspective on many issues will not be fresh or rich. Everyone needs space, but parents especially can get overextended. You can’t nourish others unless you have been nourished first. Parents must learn to carve out some personal time for themselves, ideally every day. I’ve discovered that for me, there are only two possible times for this to happen—early in the morning or late at night. Sometimes, but less regularly, I’m able to sneak in some short renewal time for myself during the day, but this is quite difficult. Some of my favorite things are to: read a book, take a nap, write in my journal, garden, sit outside, slowly enjoy the newspaper, take a leisurely walk with our dog, or talk with friends. Anything that helps bring a sense of aliveness and renewal back to your personal life is appropriate.
3. A third way to find renewal is to take a vacation. It is essential. Going away for a short while, a two- or three-day trip, can bring sparkle back to an overtired person or an exhausted couple. The activities on this long weekend don’t have to be numerous or grand. In fact, one of the best ways to restore energy is to simplify your vacation plans. Don’t do much. Conserve energy, so you can release it later. Use a vacation to simplify your outer and your inner lives. Two precious days can help restore your mind and body and bring back a sense of harmony to your spirit. Take them.
Bottom line: Make regular “dates” with yourself and your partner.
Dr. Susan Smith Kuczmarski has taught at 8 universities, now at Northwestern University and Loyola University in Chicago. She is an award-winning author of 6 books, 3 on families and 3 on leadership, including her newest, Becoming A Happy Family: Pathways to the Family Soul (2015), and her best-selling, The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go, which was released (2019) in Egypt in Arabic. Trained as a cultural anthropologist, she has researched extensively how children learn social skills and teens become leaders. A frequent radio and television guest, she has appeared on "The Today Show" and speaks regularly to parents and educators. Listed in Who's Who in the World for 12 years and an International Fellow of Columbia University, her 35 years of college teaching and research have made her an expert on issues devoted to the contemporary family.
